The rest of the time, Mr. Snark works as an extra for the Geico Cavemen...
So that special Sunday rolled around and it was time for the big event--Mr. Snark's Annual Haircut. After breakfast, we strapped Miss Bear into the back seat of the minivan and headed out.
Now, our town has any number of hair-cutting places, but there's also an old-fashioned barber shop that still has the red and white pole out front to let people know that they double as a dentist. For the low price of just $24.99 one can have their hair cut and a tooth extracted.
Let's call this barber shop "Connors" for the sake of discussion.*
At Connors, a normal haircut for men runs about ten bucks. And they only accept cash. It's the cheapest haircut around for miles in every direction.
I say it's cheap with authority. How do I know? A few years ago, my parents moved to Arkansas because California was too expensive. However, Grandpa Snark still comes back to California to get his hair cut at Connors.
"You can't get a haircut this cheap in Arkansas," says Grandpa Snark. "Especially when you need dental work too."
Back to our story--
Mr. Snark forgot to stop at an ATM on the way over, so he parked in a spot and turned to Mrs. Snark. "Do you have any cash?"
Mrs. Snark thought about it a second and said. "There's the emergency ten in my glove box."
After she forked over the moola, Mr. Snark frowned. "I still need a tip."
Riiight. Mrs. Snark upended her purse and examined the contents. "I have three dollars, three cents plus this breath mint."
Mrs. Snark brightened. "Oh, and a coupon for two dollars off!"
Mr. Snark accepted the coupon as if it bore cooties. "I don't know if I feel right about using a coupon for a ten dollar haircut."
"Grandpa Snark would."
Mr. Snark went inside. Mrs. Snark and Miss Bear waited inside the vehicle with the windows up and the doors locked, because Connors is not the sort of environment where one takes an impressionable two-year-old.
Fifteen minutes later, Mr. Snark returned, hair buzzed, looking very dapper once again. He also looked rather worried.
"What's wrong?" Mrs. Snark asked.
"Have they opened a rub-n-tug in the back? Because the girl cutting my hair had on a slutty red top and I could easily imagine the words 'Me love you long time' coming from her mouth."
Mrs. Snark's eyes widened. "My goodness, it's a good thing I didn't give you an extra dollar!"
Mr. Snark forked over a crumpled bit of paper. "She also laughed at my coupon."
*Name has been changed to protect me from a libel lawsuit.